When I was younger, I thought I would become a comedian. I was the Giving Tree¹, and I gave all that I had freely, but my favorite fruit to share was joy. I had some anxiety around the stage (and still do), but it was worth it to turn any room into my playground and anyone into a new friend with nothing but my mind and quick wit. Yes, as a child, I knew this was my calling.

But words never came easy to me. I was often tongue-tied, too late, or just wrong. So, I meticulously studied books and TV. I practiced my responses to conversations that were long over, like a mantra. I battle my stage fright every time I speak publicly. I enlisted myself in poetry slams and leadership positions so I had no choice but to use my voice. I would rather be afraid and heard than silenced.

When I was in middle school, my sister told me that my aunt—the same aunt who knew I loved French vanilla ice cream and feared elevators, so she held my hand as I cried—had told her not to tell me she was a CNA². She said that she changed adult diapers for a living. I was left confused and hurt that my beloved aunt feared what I might say about the way she made her ice cream money.

This was not the last time I learned that my words, even those I hadn’t said and never intended to say, could be seen as malignant.

Not long afterward, or perhaps simultaneously, I discovered that with my dark skin and large stature, I had RBF—“resting Black face.” Unlike my peers, my silence was also deemed just as malicious. The number of times I was called intimidating or unapproachable when I was just focused and quiet has cost me jobs, friends, and opportunities galore.

At first, I confess, I leaned into it. I became that blunt friend who lacked tact and care when she spoke “truths” as whips that hit targets and bystanders alike. I was truly an insufferable teenager, and I’m glad I grew out of it.

Later, I attempted to compensate for my RBF by being louder and smiling quicker in hopes that it would make me appear softer. To this day, when I get nervous or stuck in my head too much, I practice the same pattern.

Even when my spirit is weary of this performance, my heart tells me no one wants to be around a toy that’s broken.

Nina Simone once sang: “…But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”³ To be surrounded by people who are determined to misunderstand you is a lonely and exhausting experience.

In some cases, it can even be fatal. I think of Ralph Yarl, Trayvon Martin, & Ahmaud Arbery to name a few.⁴ By the grace of God, I’ve only had to use my words to temper my intent vs. impact and weed out those who never wished for me to grow alongside them.This is really an ode to when I learned the power of words and to say I’m still learning—so bear with me.

Until next time.  ❤️ Lilian Agya

1. The book follows the lives of an apple tree and a boy, who develop a relationship with each other. The tree is very “giving” and the boy ages into a “taking” teenager, a young man, a middle-aged man, and finally an elderly man.
   
   Wikipedia contributors. (n.d.). The Giving Tree. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giving_Tree. ↩︎
2. CNA: certified nursing assistant ↩︎
3. Simone, Nina. (1964). Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood. On Broadway-Blues-Ballads. Philips Records. ↩︎
4. Black people who were fatally misunderstood:
   Ralph Yarl
   Ralph Yarl is a Black teenager from Kansas City, Missouri. In April 2023, at the age of 16, he was shot after mistakenly ringing the doorbell of the wrong house while trying to pick up his younger siblings. The homeowner, an elderly white man, shot Ralph through the door. Ralph survived the shooting, and the case sparked widespread outrage, as many saw it as racially motivated violence. His case reignited discussions about racial profiling and the dangers young Black people face in everyday situations.
   
   Trayvon Martin
   Trayvon Martin was a 17-year-old African American high school student who was shot and killed by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer, in Sanford, Florida, in February 2012. Trayvon was unarmed and walking home from a convenience store when Zimmerman, who claimed to be acting in self-defense, confronted and shot him. Zimmerman’s acquittal on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter led to nationwide protests and helped fuel the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement, highlighting issues of racial profiling and the criminalization of Black youth.
   
   Ahmaud Arbery
   Ahmaud Arbery was a 25-year-old Black man who was shot and killed while jogging in a neighborhood in Glynn County, Georgia, in February 2020. He was pursued by three white men, who claimed they suspected him of being involved in local burglaries. One of the men shot Arbery during a confrontation. Initially, no arrests were made, but after a video of the incident was leaked and public outcry grew, the men were eventually charged with murder. Arbery’s death became a symbol of racial injustice, sparking widespread protests and discussions about the dangers Black people face when engaging in everyday activities like jogging. The African Diaspora is the voluntary and involuntary movement of Africans and their descendants to various parts of the world during the modern and pre-modern periods.​ ↩︎