I wanted to get right into it because I know that “a non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.”¹ I’ve grown weary of reserving my words for moments of distress and for those who turned those moments into mountains I’m still scaling to this day.

This is my attempt to reclaim my words from the depths of depression and anxiety and to document my existence somewhere beyond my head and the memory of my beautiful friends, in hopes of giving my brain some respite. This act might just replace the constant ricocheting of voices from the antagonist that narrates my daily steps.

In other words, I need this. For those who are kind enough to bear witness to this journey with me—out of love, familiarity, or strange fates that caused you to stumble onto this page—I don’t want to leave you feeling like you missed the first couple of chapters (although there is something satisfying about reading books out of order). So, I wanted to introduce myself a bit. (Here’s my favorite introduction poem too if you’re interested):

My name is Lilian, with one L in the middle. In my namesake and beyond, I often take more L’s² than I’d like to, but I have yet to lose anything worth keeping. I’ve turned how often I’ve had to correct the spelling of my name into one of my first trials when judging another person. In my life, I prefer supporting characters who are also sensitive to the details. As a girl who is one part my African mother, and all parts lover of stories, I am obsessed with the details.

I often take more L’s2 than I’d like to, but I have yet to lose anything worth keeping.

For all intents and purposes, I am a Midwest princess,³ but my interests have always been divided. I like to think I have non-consensual relations with the United States, but South Sudan is my mistress. Or more accurately, she was the one that got away, or Western influence got in the way of me and the rest of my diasporan⁴ siblings being able to sit under our mango trees, just being Black and free.

But that’s another topic for another day.

I confess that I consume more content than water and struggle with calling myself an artist because the weight of making money and surviving leaves me too tired to create anything. Sometimes, I want to drown in the white noise of someone else’s thoughts. Other times, each video, podcast, and book is me seeking affirmation in spaces while I’m distant from my community. (The 9-5 office was a battlefield.) The consumption is addicting, and I wonder if the reason I’m still parched and still searching is that the content I need hasn’t yet been produced. Maybe the content that’s missing is supposed to be created by me.

Which brings me to this moment, in which I am actively fighting the inferiority complex that whispers I need to be something or someone before I’m worthy of speaking. Yet I know I am already everything, and “everything is everything”⁵5. You are watching me take back my pen and share my story.

To summarize: I was raised on steeped greens and brassy laughter by women who smelled like rose and sandalwood. Their hands were softened leather from the labor of feeding spirits and calloused from holding a people together in prayer. I come from generation after generation after generation of yappers. My first love was reading, and my second was using words to garner attention.

In other words: I’m just a girl in the midst of her next steps.

Until next time. ❤️ Lilian Agya

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References

1. Kafka, F. (1922, July 5). A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. Letter to Max Brod. ↩︎
2. BitchTits420. (2016, March 17). Taking Ls: Losing any argument, taking losses. Meek Mills been taking Ls from Drake all of 2015. Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=taking%20ls ↩︎
3. Roan, C. (2022). The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess [Album]. The phrase “Midwest Princess” is part of the album title. ↩︎
4. The African Diaspora is the voluntary and involuntary movement of Africans and their descendants to various parts of the world during the modern and pre-modern periods.​
   Center for Black Diaspora. (n.d.). DefiningAfrican diaspora. DePaul University.
   Retrieved from https://las.depaul.edu/centers-and-institutes/center-for-black-diaspora/about/Pages/defining-diaspora.aspx  ↩︎
5. Garcia, F. (n.d.). Everything is everything. ↩︎